I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
