Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
