I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
