I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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