32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
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Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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