Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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