had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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