On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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