wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
