My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You can't just leave with hair like that
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
