we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
