I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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