apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
