i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
