here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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