I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
