Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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