I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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