I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
