dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
