New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
