My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
