I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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