smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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