The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
