Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
