Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
