the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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