Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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