Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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