Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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