Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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