I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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