Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
