think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
