Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
