Yo dont text me then not text me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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