I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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