Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
