You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
