I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize