Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My balls are so social today.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
