He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
