I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
