Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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