I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
