I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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