i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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