A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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