chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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