Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
