Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
