Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
