If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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