I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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